How to Stop People-Pleasing

Everyone has intrinsic value; you don’t have to keep proving it to others.

Helping others is something that comes naturally for most of us, though to different degrees. This is especially true if you’re very empathetic; you know how much life can be difficult so you’re okay with sparing someone else the pain.

But this need to do good by other people can easily go haywire. In a world that seems so filled with heartbreak, helping can turn into people-pleasing if you’re not carefully keeping your energy in balance.

In other words, it’s good to give freely, but only if you’re taken care of first. If you give to your own detriment, what might seem noble is really a slow poison — one that manipulators can smell miles away and are happy to feed you more of that toxin.

But even when you become aware of these habits, it can be hard to stop. You’ve forgotten what it’s like to live for yourself or give yourself the love you so easily give others. And from that realization follows bitterness, anger, and loneliness, especially with unhelpful advice floating around online: if you’re supposed to give the love you wish to receive, but why haven’t you gotten it yet?

Today we’re going to explore the people-pleasing problem and how transformative it is to finally let go. It doesn’t come easy, at least not at first. But before we get into a rather painful subject, let me make one thing clear:

You deserve to live a wonderful life, filled with happiness and success. What you give so freely to others, there’s nothing wrong in giving it to yourself too. If you’re tired, rest. Today can be the day everything turns around for the better if you’re ready.

Why Do We People-Please?

People-pleasing habits form for many reasons. For some people, it was a slow progression of being too eager to help; first it was an extra dollar to cover a meal, then it became taking out a $10,000 loan to help a buddy finance their latest business idea (with money you didn’t have to begin with).

For others, it was reminding the world (and themselves) that they had value. At some point, they were told they were a burden and to fight against that, they needed to prove everyone wrong.

While you try to find the root cause of your own need to people-please, consider a few other common reasons for this behavior:

• Low self-esteem: as mentioned, people-pleasing might stem from having been broken down one too many times. If you’re told you’re useless, worthless, or a burden, you start to internalize these feelings. Instead of challenging these thoughts directly, your battle materializes as helpfulness — people see you as productive and interested in helping others, but deep down, you’re trying to make sure no one calls you useless ever again.

• Fear of conflict: if you’ve dealt with overbearing authority figures, an eagerness to please them might have been a defense mechanism. By keeping them happy, you avoid their wrath. But that turns into a fear of upsetting anyone, bleeding into all your relationships, regardless of their temperament.

• Fear of rejection: it’s important to be a team player, but it’s not your job to carry the team. Still, if you fear being seen as the weakest link, you’ll do anything to get out of that position. However, this fear is reinforced when, despite your best efforts, you’re cut from the team, turning blame inward rather than standing up for yourself.

• Psychological stress: life isn’t easy. Common advice suggests that to help feel more grateful, to lend help to others through volunteering. What might start as a noble endeavor can quickly turn into self-soothing; it’s easier to fix other people’s problems than to work on ourselves.

• Culture and socialization: there’s nothing wrong growing up in a culture that emphasizes hospitality and kindness. But when these values are hijacked to benefit only a few people (especially sociopaths that prey on kindness), this hospitality can quickly turn into people-pleasing. Because these values are important and ingrained in your social DNA, you might be unwilling to change because anytime you try to rationalize the pain you’re feeling, you’re told, “that’s just the way things are.”

Though digging to the root causes might be painful, understanding why you people-please is the first step to breaking this habit. Like a broken bone that wasn’t set properly before it healed, this discomfort is not unlike having to break it again to reset it. By acknowledging the reasons for this habit, you’ve accomplished this step.

But how do you allow yourself to heal from potentially years of this habit draining you?

How to Break a People-Pleasing Habit

If you’ve been reading this newsletter-blog for a while now, you shouldn’t be surprised that the first step to fixing any problem comes down to establishing a healthier mindset about it. After you’ve identified the reasons why you developed your people-pleasing habit in the first place and why you’ve sustained it, here are the next steps to work on:

1. Believe in yourself and your inherent worth: everyone is born with value; you’re not a burden for existing. Similarly, you are not your work. Even on your most unproductive days and days that go spectacularly wrong, you still have value.

2. Do things that make you happy and be okay if you’re the only one to benefit without it negatively impacting anyone else: personally, one of the things I struggled with the most was making food for myself because I was told one too many times I wasn’t worth the food bought for me. Now, making myself a delicious meal is a practice of self-love; even though I’m the only one to benefit from the tasty food, I deserve nourishment and I’m not hurting anyone by fulfilling a need that I would otherwise die if I ignored it.

3. Practice affirmations until you change your internal script: while you are not your thoughts, your mind is a tool used to shape the script playing in your head. By changing those thoughts into ones that affirm your value, confidence, and abilities, being kind to yourself becomes easier.

4. Find work and hobbies that fulfill you for your own pleasure: being self-centered isn’t the goal, but doing things you want to do isn’t inherently selfish. If you want to create a business, volunteer, or do anything that helps people, let your enjoyment of work be the primary focus and helping others, the secondary consequence of those actions. You’re still helping people for good reasons, but you’re shifting your energy in a healthier way for both you and those you help.

The Benefits of Balancing Yourself with Wanting to Help Others

As you break this habit, it might be difficult to visualize what it feels like to be free to live your life again. At first, it can spur a lot of anxiety, guilt, and shame. But remember, self-love and care isn’t selfish. It’s necessary for your survival and your enjoyment of life.

By rebalancing how you spend your energy, your mind will start to fill with positive, helpful thoughts that’ll reinforce this cycle. Not only do you become more healthy with how you view yourself, but your relationships with others and how you think about them become healthier too.

By refocusing back on yourself, there will be a tough growing period where you might repel people you once considered close friends. However, by being so eager to help, you’ve subconsciously trained everyone around you that you were a useful participant in their life and goals rather than a peer worthy of their respect. This change in stance can be jarring for both you and them; those that don’t want to stick around for it are more than likely upset at the loss of having someone to manipulate for their benefit.

Continue being kind, but don’t be a pushover. Those who love you will understand that.

Take this time to practice forgiveness as well, letting go of any bitterness or anger for having spent so much time in people-pleasing hell. It’s natural to mourn the loss of time spent living for others instead of being truer to yourself and advocating for your happiness and desires. But use this as a lesson in grace, learning to be kinder to yourself and understanding the internal battles everyone else is facing that led them to treating you less than ideally.

In doing so, reconnect with your creative side. Rekindle connections with a healthier mindset, rediscover old passions you never allowed yourself to indulge it because you felt undeserving. Eat better, exercise and move your body in ways that engage you. Allow yourself to be who you want to be and give back to the world in a way that doesn’t drain you.

As you go on this journey, remember that it requires consistency and patience. Years of people-pleasing (and the scars it leaves) doesn’t just disappear overnight. But keep grounding yourself in your inherent value and give yourself the kindness you share so freely with others.

It gets easier. You get stronger.

Everything will be okay.