Getting Rid of the Fear Holding You Back

It’s normal for new things to be scary — but that’s no reason to stop you from trying.

Do you ever wonder how many cool ideas get snuffed out before they take shape? How many people give up before they even begin because they’re afraid of being judged, failing, or not being good enough?

Despite how much writing I do and the compliments I get for those skills, I used to absolutely suck at it. Math, science, and programming were my jams but writing was often my lowest test score in school.

It wasn’t until the end of high school and throughout college that I developed a taste for it that eventually grew into a passion. And the fear that kept me from enjoying it before then? Being misunderstood and how challenging it was to write well.

But this isn’t unlike any other time someone tried something new. I’m sure you can think of some instances in your own life where you started learning and fumbled along your way. Unfortunately, too many of us let fear overwhelm us.

Maybe you didn’t do as well as you’d hope when you tried out for a sports team. Maybe you disappointed yourself (or, more commonly, your parents) for not meeting expectations. Whatever the reason, our curiosity and appetite for trying new things diminishes as we get older.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Regardless if you’re trying to launch a new business or side gig, learn a new hobby, or just reconnect with that childlike curiosity (and build your confidence to do new things you’ve been afraid to try), fear doesn’t have to control you.

Let’s explore how.

Understanding Fear

Everyone’s journey is different. We’ve all had different obstacles, trauma, and stressors in our lives. Even when we’ve had similar experiences, our temperaments, perspectives, skills, and support systems can equate to wildly different reactions and outcomes. However, what’s interesting about this life is that no matter how unique we are, there are universal factors that all people have felt — or at least recognize.

Fear is one of those.

When it comes to struggling to start or continue with a project or learning a new skill, I’ve noticed that there are four main types of fear that get in the way:

• Fear of the unknown: people aren’t as afraid of change as being unable to visualize the outcome. Even when given a decent idea of what the most likely outcome will be, it’s hard to let go of that anxiety until you’ve made it to your destination. Instead of starting on their journey, it feels safer to not even begin at all.

• Fear of failure: it’s great to discover that you’re naturally gifted at something but the sting of difficulty with something else can be too much to handle. This is especially true of people who’ve been raised in environments that put a lot of pressure on them to succeed; even when that pressure is removed, they’ve learned to internalize that pressure and become perfectionists. Any kind of mistake becomes a reminder that they’re not enough so what’s the point of even trying?

• Fear of success: opposite of the fear of failure, what if things do work out? The realness of accomplishing your goal can become overwhelming — the expectation to continue moving forward, the concern that success might corrupt you, and the question of whether or not you even deserve it. And what’s stopping the universe from just ripping it all away? These are examples of a fear of success.

• Fear of (un)readiness: a subtle symptom of perfectionism, some people find themselves in research loops where they’ll learn and learn and learn about something but never actually do anything. They’re constantly worried that they’re not ready, it’s not the right time, or they don’t have the right resources.

No matter which fear you identify with, the best way to conquer it is moving forward. Even the most overwhelming obstacles can be broken into smaller pieces — and if they’re still too big, break them down to the point the next step seems laughably easy.

Turning Fear into Fun Through Immersion

Some advice a therapist once gave me was that whenever you’re feeling anxious, reframe that as exhilaration. As someone who deals with a lot of social anxiety, doing new things (especially in public settings) is a nerve-wracking ordeal. Coming up with content for platforms I’m not especially into (LinkedIn is a place I’m not particularly fond of, for instance) causes similar dread. The only way I could get through it was trying to attribute the heart palpitations to excitement instead of anxiety which… mostly worked but not as reliably as I’d like.

Instead, reframing fear into something useful usually takes the shape of immersion. For example, when I was trying to improve my writing skills, I was afraid of both failing (“Can I actually make a living doing this?”) and succeeding (“What if I become so well-known I can never find peace?”). To ground myself, I became a sponge for learning about writing. I knew I wanted to work for myself and writing was a tool I’d need to do that so it was necessary to get past this fear.

I started with reading Stephen King’s book On Writing which helped me reflect on my own writing and editing process. I started reading more, not just for fun but to study what I liked and disliked about other writers’ styles. When working with clients, I’d analyze their feedback and make notes on submission quality and any changes they still felt needed to be made before they accepted them.

Then, I learned more about my processes as a freelancer: how I’d send invoices, determine pricing find new business, retain customers, build relationships, improve my self-confidence, and figure out my niche. I’d start charting progress, whether it was how many words I could write in a day, how many articles I could invoice for that week, how much I made that month. It became a competitive game against myself.

After a while, the process became fun; any fear I encountered wasn’t nearly as scary compared to when I was starting out.

But had I let fear win in those early days, had I not reframed it into something that engaged me, I don’t think I would’ve ever became a freelancer. That means I’d probably never have started this newsletter or have a business as an executive strategist. And that is much scarier to think about.

Learn and Grow Like No One’s Watching — Because They Aren’t

If you’re worried about people judging you for you trying to better yourself, I have some good news for you. There are only two truths to this:

• Everyone is so focused on their own lives, no one — even the people who care about you — is paying that much attention.

• Anyone who is and reacts negatively isn’t worth listening to or keeping around in your orbit.

That isn’t to say people don’t care about you. They just don’t care nearly as much as you think, especially if it doesn’t affect them directly.

After all, we’re hardwired to focus on ourselves. Your brain’s job is to keep you safe and moving in the direction you want to go. Of course your thoughts (and everyone else’s) will be inward. The only lasting impressions made on others is how you made them feel — and when you’re working on yourself, until you’re successful or fail spectacularly, most people regard it with indifference because they’re so caught up in their own lives.

While that might feel cold and isolating, there’s liberation in realizing that everyone’s in their own little world, tending to their daily lives to not notice you. As I mentioned, we’re programmed to think inwardly and so the judgment you feel while you work in silence often comes from yourself.

Whether those thoughts were original or embedded by others in your past, the nice thing about these thoughts is that they’re yours to dismiss if they’re not serving you. That isn’t to make light of how painful dealing with those thoughts and fears can be; they’re real and valid and it sucks that they’re there. But the solution to dealing with that internalized nonsense is by chipping away until it disappears.

And you do that by starting. Doing. Stumbling. Adjusting. Continuing.

You got this. If no one’s watching, just have fun. 💜